Court Update

For those of you who are interested, or who care.....about a year ago I posted an update on a custody situation we currently had in the American Courts over my two teenagers (who are now currently 15 and 16 - who are "way old enough" to decide where they want to live), but "some people" do not listen, nor do they see what is best for the child. At any rate, our court date was post-poned to last April 14th, 2009...with a recent update last July 6, 2009....and although I was given full custody (verbal)of the teenage children....we still have not seen the signed decree!! What custody case could take almost 3 years?? I mean, really, at age 15 and 16...it is really a "moot point" don't you think? This is why I dislike the American Court system so much, besides the point that both of my ex-husbands were awarded custody and I had to pay the child support....because I was an educated woman and earned a good living!! I am sure the Judicial system has made some good decisions for someone somewhere, but not for me!! It was only until my children did poorly with their fathers that the tables were turned!! This is why I refused to adopt from within the United States, because I knew as soon as we bonded and made a foster child a family member, the court system would turn around and take them from a loving family only to be returned to an abusive one. I just could not do that to my own children. So...we decided to look for children who already did not have parents. We started out to adopt one child, and we found brothers that were 6 years apart in age (2 and 8 years). I worried something would go wrong in Russia when we had court, because I have heard horror stories of other families where their adoption did not go through, and I have been so unlucky in legal matters (My Mother always told me Saturn was not my friend....or something like that). Happily, all went well in Russia, and I hope the odds will come around and all well go well here in the States. I will keep those of you who care to know informed when I have the signed formal papers. I hope it is soon. How much can teenagers endure?? Apparently....a lot!!

More on Motherhood

Yes, being a Mother is an amazing experience!! However, with the joys also comes the heartaches!! Sometimes I wish I could take away the trials and pain that come into the lives of my children. Sometimes life is hard.....and very, very harsh. No one knows this better than my own children. My older children have suffered through divorce and physical separation. My younger children have suffered through abandonment and physical pain. Both sets have experienced emotional pain. At times I wish I could make all their choices for them, so they would make good decisions. But choice and accountability are important lessons to learn. Pain and experience comes from making poor choices, and experience comes from making good choices. One of the hardest things I have ever had to do as a Mother is to sit back, and let my children make choices. They have learned there are consequences to their actions. This has been an invaluable lesson.....and a hard one for me as well.

The Joy of Motherhood

I often think what a wonderful privilege it is to be a Mom. Yes, it is a lot of work, but the rewards are amazing. I love seeing my children grow. I love seeing them happy. Sasha is now 4 years old and Kylen is 10. Overall, they are both very well-adjusted children. We are so blessed to have them. I have been working quite a few night shifts at the hospital, so I have either been sleeping in the morning when my husband takes Sasha to daycare, or I have not been home. Of course, I have been spending time with him in the afternoons and early evenings, but I have not been home the last several mornings. Yesterday I was home in the morning, and he woke up and ran into my room. He heard me puttering around in our bathroom, which adjoins the bedroom. As soon as he saw it was me, he flung his arms open wide and ran right into my legs, squeezing me so tightly!! He had the biggest smile on his face!! It was so rewarding to see the brightness in his eyes!! I remember when we first brought him home from Russia. He had such a dull look in his eyes. There was no life and excitement there. That is the difference that love and bonding makes. Everyone needs a sense of love and belonging. It is essential to the progression of maturity and development. Without love and belonging......there is only existing. What a privilege and pleasure it is to have these boys belong to me....and to give them the love that only a Mother can give!!

Back to School !!

Kylen started the 3rd grade this year. He has a wonderful teacher and is making some progress in reading. Sasha (Alexander) moved up to preschool two days a week. I have been thinking of putting him in an extra day or two, for the mornings only. He is so behind developmentally. This November he will turn 4 years old, but developmentally he is between 19 and 22 months old. He is very behind on language and has only now started to talk. Yesterday we were sharing a plum and he gave me a bite. Well, I must have touched his finger with my teeth, and he thought I was biting him, and he said "Say 'Sorry Sasha!!' "!! I guess I am always saying to him when he is too rough or acting out "Say you are sorry, Sasha". HA!! At any rate, I have struggled with trying to decide if he should have more classtime or more "mommytime". Our bonding and attachment has gone very well with Sasha ( and we still have a long way to go with Kylen....more on that later). However for now, I have decided that Sasha will benefit most from "mommytime". He already has some days that he must spend away from me because I work. I really feel he will benefit most from more love, nurturing and closeness to Mom. Time will tell.

Summer Revisited

Why is it the summer goes by so quickly? We had such a fun and wonderful summer. We took 3 trips to the beach. Sasha LOVED the ocean, waves and the sand. Kylen had learned about palm trees and coconut trees when he was in school at Magadan. He was so excited to see them in person!! Kylen was the best sand crab catcher EVER!! He even caught little sand crabs for the other little kids that weren't fast enough to catch them!! He has become a great little swimmer, too!! He is greatly improved from the second month of coming home from Russia and when we went to the waterpark near my Mom's house! We had only been home from Russia two months, and Kylen wasn't speaking English yet, but somehow I let him convince me that he could swim. So, I gave him permission to go down this big slide into what I call "the toilet bowl" with Tavia and Remmy. Well, it is this huge slide that at the bottom, you swirl around and around (like when the toilet flushes) and then you land in the water. As soon as Kylen hit the water the lifeguard blew the whistle and the they jumped in to pull him out. I raised my hand and said... "Yes, I am the stupid parent that let him slide down!" He wasn't afraid, and within a few weeks he was swimming like a fish!! Now he tubes behind our boat like a Mad Man!! But I look back on those early days and some of the crazy things that happened make us laugh!!

Fantastic Summer !!

We have enjoyed such a fun summer!! Having a Court Date last May that involved my two older children and my ex finished and behind us was a HUGE relief. This has been pending for almost two years, and again there was another successful postponement on the part of my ex until the end of September......but we are almost there and positive things are happening for our side. More on that later.....but needless to say it has been a HUGE stressor for all of the children, as well as my husband and myself to be going through such a tremendous ordeal. We are so happy to see the light at the end of the tunnel!! Kylen and Alexander (Sasha) are such a tremendous blessing to us!! They are happy boys and are doing so well!! We still have some issues we are dealing with.....and I hope to talk about some of these issues in order to help some of you with your challenges. I have just been so "zapped" dealing with all this legal stuff, that I didn't seem to have much reserve left to discuss other aspects of my life. It really has been all-consuming. I am so happy it is almost over....and will be even happier for a positive outcome!! Think positive thoughts for us and say a few prayers, please!! I am learning more about bonding as we go along and this is also something I want to share in future posts!! I have new pictures coming too!! I am glad to be back with all my blogger friends!! I have missed you all!!

WOW !! THE ONE YEAR POST-PLACEMENT REPORT !!

Wow!! How time flys!! Today Sasha and I drove 6 hours (to and fro) to "The Big City" to get our one year post-placement reports apostilled and off to FedEx to our adoption agency to submit to Russia!! One year ago today we were frantically packing and getting ready to depart to pick up our children in Russia!! It all seems so surreal now that they are so integrated into our family!! Honestly, I cannot even picture our lives without them being here!! WOW!! Are we ever lucky!!

Still the Sweetest Boys Ever!!

Our weather has stayed very warm until just recently. I wanted to share a sweet picture I took just before we went into our Sacrament Meeting at church. It was taken just a few weeks ago. Aren't they just adorable? I love Alexander in his "Southern Fancy Pants", and hope you Northerners will forgive me for dressing him this way. It is a true "Deep South" Southern tradition, and is ACTUALLY Remmy's outfit he wore 12 years ago when he was a baby!! WHAT am I doing with the same exact outfit my older son wore over a decade ago, you ask?? Well....unfortunately, I am a packrat......I told you I needed to clean my house!! I had better get crackin' !!!

Life is What Happens While We are Making Plans!!

WOW!! Is life ever busy!! Between three children in three different schools, one baby still at home. a football player, a cheerleader (cheering for the football games...now for the basketball games...all 112 of them including the 9th grade, the JV and the Varsity), wrestling season (ugh! I hate it when they squeeze, smash, and get sweat all over my son!!), drama club and the two performances so far (Charlotte's Web and the Christmas Pageant), band concerts, band competition and travel performances, soccer season for Kylen (which, by the way....they call "foot ball in Russia),church activities, Boy Scouts, Cub Scouts, and....HOMEWORK!!....working for me (oh, and by the way I took a second job temporarily.....mainly because I was "temporarily insane", and shopping for food, and cooking, etc.etc.etc......OH! Did I forget to mention "cleaning the house"?? Well, that must be because it has NOT been done in a while!! HA!! Oh, I know....I have a day off from work tomorrow....THAT is what I can do in my spare time! I have had so many aspirations for this blog....and all of them have seem to have gone by the wayside......and lost in the flurry and hustle and bustle of everyday lifes schedule. I am hoping to make a resolution to blog because I really want to make a contribution that matters, and provide help for those who are seeking answers, and I know some of you are just plain curious as to how we are all doing. I am thinking now maybe I should just blog to save my own sanity!! Somewhere out there in the world, I have some interested readers.....or I wouldn't have over 10,000 readers looking at my blog!! So...as my Mother would say...."Come on Susan, Get it together!!"

Kitties, and Turtles, and Strawberries......OH MY!!

Ok...I guess I need a little help in the organization department, because after writing all these nice notes on bonding and attachment, and setting them aside for a time when I could post them......I CAN'T FIND THEM!! So...I keep waiting and hoping they will turn up, and then I will discuss the topic.....but, tonight I said to myself "What if I never find the list, and I don't blog again for months??" So, I decided to throw in the towel and write on some other happenings, and as sure as I start to ignore my obsession (trying to locate the lost list)....I will find it!! Right?? Well, that is my new theory and I am sticking to it!! Yesterday when Sasha and I were leaving the house, there was a little box turtle on the cement walkway! This turtle was soon joined by the little kitty that adopted our family this past summer. (There was this kitten that showed up in the garage when we were keeping the puppies there in a little fenced enclosure in the garage). Oh, did I forget to say that in May we had 4 puppies that we sold (finally!!) and so this little kitty would sneak into the garage and curl up with the puppies and sleep with them. It was a wild kitty someone abandoned, but finally now after a couple of months it is finally warming up to us. So back to the turtle.....after waiting 10 minutes for him to pop out of his shell (He clamped down hard when Sasha picked him up and started waving him wildly in the air!!), we decided to get a plastic container and keep him (just for a few days) and then release him again. Sasha was so excited to have the turtle in the container! We gave the turtle a strawberry to eat, and Sasha was thrilled to see this little creature take bites out of the berry. What cute giggling sounds he made! It was such a refreshing sight to see a little boy have this new and fresh experience!

ONLINE AGAIN!!

Whew!! I am so relieved to be back up and running again (in the abstract sense, of course)! I has some problems with blogger, and was unable to sign in to my account. After much toil and testing of my patience, I figured out the problem. Sorry about the delay.....so the next post will begin discussing our successful strategies for bonding and attachment. There are some differences for the different ages, as one might suspect. I hope you will find these useful, and find success as well for your bonding experience.

MY TOP TEN BONDING AND ATTACHMENT STRATEGIES

During my "mission" to adopt, and during my information gathering stage on adoption, I read a lot of literature. This literature was not only from authorities on bonding, including developmental psychologists and their various theories, but also personal stories of other adoptive parents. Some of these stories did not have the happiest of endings, as some of these became disrupted adoptions (children returned.....or sent to another home). Some of these stories with unhappy endings do not progress to disruption, but the bonding didn't occur, and the children did not become attached to the parent/parents. I was very worried about this. Of course, I had my experience with my five biological children, which I am sure, gave me a little insight. However, this situation would be different. In addition to me being a perfect stranger to my newly adopted children, these new children had special needs. They were abused, abandoned, and an inate "self-preservation" mode had taken over. How could I get these children to trust again? This was my quest !! I am so happy to announce that both of my boys are totally attached to me. Little Alexander is "Mama's Baby", and Kylen constantly asks me when are my next days off from work, so I am home with him after school!! They run to me and squeeze me so hard when they see me! I am so happy that we have bonded and attached in this special way! So, I have decided to share my information and strategies with you, in hopes that some of these things may be successful for you as well. I am currently working on the two lists, with some differences, of the top ten strategies for bonding with a toddler, and with an older child. I will share the toddler list first, with the next posting. Oh, and P.S. Today is my BIRTHDAY!! What a wonderful present I have this year.....two sweet, adorable boys that both love to be around me, and love their new home in America!! We are blessed!!

FINALLY PLAYING TOGETHER !!

What fun the boys are having!! When we first came home, they did not know how to play with each other! Kylen had not lived with his baby brother since the baby was 2 months old. He had been placed in an Orphanage boarding school for children age 6 to age 18. He knew how to play with older children, but not a baby or a toddler. Unless one has "grown up" with a baby or toddler in the family, one does not know how to interact with them, nor how to play. The same for Alexander. He was only used to the small toddlers in his groupa. The first week we had them home, they were like two children in the same room, but there was no interaction between them, nor was there really any interest. Not only were these brothers at different ages developmentally, but they were essentially "strangers" to one another!! They did not even know each other! Through the summer they have slowly progressed. Now they play together, and Kylen very often takes Alexander's hand and holds it in his own. These boys are so cute together, and they are finally having the brotherly companionship that was taken from them over two years ago!! What a joy to see them playing so happily together!!

MY TWO SUPERBOYS !!

I am not sure if Kylen and Alexander really know who Superman is.....but they have certainly had fun wearing these P.J.'s and flying around the house with their capes flowing in the wind behind them!! They feel empowered and invincible!! They have a sense of belonging!! That is what families do for you!!

LIFE IS WHAT HAPPENS WHILE WE ARE MAKING PLANS !!

Wow! What a fast and busy summer!! We have been enjoying the boys everyday and they are both doing so well!! I have had so many ideas about successes and failures that I have wanted to share with you concerning our adventures in bonding and attaching with the boys. I have vowed to post two blogs per week on Thursdays and on Sundays sharing helpful hints and suggestions that worked well for our situation. We truly are blessed to have these two beautiful boys, and have certainly had our share of "two steps forward, and one step back". I must say, however, even at the most difficult of times, the journey has been incredibly rewarding, and SOOOOOOOO worth it!! I hope you will continue to share this entertaining and exciting journey with us as we continue bonding with our new children!! Stay tuned for more!!

A Conversation With Kylen

The following is an actual conversation that occurred about one hour after a feeding frenzy with watermelon. Kylen LOVED it and kept eating and eating and eating. Kylen: "Mama (pronounced Maaaaaa-mah.....said in a whine), Hungry!!! Me: "You are hungry?" Kylen: "Yes" Me: " How can you be hungry??? You just ate about one thousand pieces of watermelon!!" Kylen: "Maaaaaaa-mah, no.....not a thousand!!" Me: " Well, OK, not a thousand, but you ate a lot!! How many did you eat??" Kylen: "Ten, maybe." Me: "Dah, (Yes) that is how many you ate.....exactly ten pieces!!" Notice how I am the only one speaking Russian here!!

Kylen's First Day of School !!

Since we arrived home from the Motherland (inserting a little humor here...ha!) we have been able to alternate our work schedules so that one of us is always at home with the boys. This has been working out very well for their attachment to us and it has also given us an opportunity to work on Kylen's English. He has made excellent progress (I'll tell you about a couple of conversations we had earlier this week......I'll try to write about them tomorrow), however, he had really started to be a little bit bored, especially now that Tavia and Remmy are off to various and sundry camps (church, cheer, boy scouts, football, etc.).....so......Kylen has been ESPECIALLY bored with them gone!! I found a little independent school using the Montesorri (wow....I guess if I am going to use it then I should learn how to spell it!!). At any rate, he went today and looked abit displaced as I left him there. I am happy to report that he thoroughly enjoyed his first day of school! He was quite happy and very social with all of the kids. It was truely a successful day!! He can hardly wait to get there tomorrow!! We are thrilled!!

UPDATE ! ! ! !

OK......I am ashamed that I have not kept up with our blog for the last month and one half (give or take a week!!). Time has certainly gotten away from me!! Our life has been more than a little crazy with adjusting to new family members!! Of course, it has not been easy for the boys either!! The front door of our house reminds me of one of those big revolving, circular doors you find at the entrance to a fancy hotel!! Someone is always coming and going......and now one daughter is home from College for the summer, one daughter has moved back home in order to attend college, and one son was here for a short visit once his College semester was over. And.....the poor kids have not even met two of their siblings......an older brother and sister that live in Seattle, Washington!! I know this is a crazy life for them, and I keep waiting for Kylen and Alexander to hug and embrace the mail lady ( in rural Missouri we do not have a mailman...but a lady!) thinking she MUST be some family member, too!! The first thing I want to say is that if you survive the first month home with your newly adopted child/children (and YOU WILL), then you are going to make it!!! The first month was so hard....but I learned some tricks to the trade that made life SO MUCH easier, and I shall share them later!! We are in such a better place now than when we first arrived home, and we are all doing well.......more on that to come as well!! The next obstacle we have overcome that hindered our blogging ability was that dadblasted dial-up!! HOORAY!! We have high speed!! On that note and with our new found technology, I promise to post pictures later this week!! Stay tuned!! There are some really good stories to tell!!

FINALLY !!!

Thanks to all of you who have prayed for Dawn and Joe. By way of update, their courtdate is postponed until the 19th...and the decision will be final. So....keep those prayers coming that they will be granted the adoption. The birthmother is only 17 and is 5 months pregnant again, with no job or place to live. She cannot possibly take care of one baby, much less two!! I apologize for my tardiness, but I also thank you all for the support you have shown us. We are so blessed to have our two boys. I got really bummed out last week. I was viewing our pictures of Russia and Moscow on the digital camera, as I was going to take them to the store and print off all the photos....plus Tavia is to give a presentation to all of the 8th grade history classes on Russia.......only the memory card had a "glitch" in it and now NONE of the pictures of Russia come up....(and no, I did not save or download it on my laptop previously!! DUH!!) WOW!! And I am somebody's doctor!! Scarey, huh? OK......so as I am whining and crying about my pictures being gone......I am reminded that we have our little boys at home with us. Many of you wonderful, loving people I have met over these adoption blogs, have lost referrals or had failed adoptions. I realized how lucky I was to have lost the pictures....but to have the boys here in our family. I know so many of you have pain and are trying to heal....because you have the pictures and memories, but not the child. I am so very, very grateful. Suddenly, my loss of some "pictures" in the overall scheme of things, was not so insurmountable!! OK.....so now you all know, I really am PollyAnna. Tomorrow night.......the final installment of our court date!!

Call for Prayer!!

Hello Everyone!! We have had such a busy week! I promise to post tomorrow night. Right now I have an important prayer request!! Please pray for Joe and Dawn who have a court date on the 17th in Kazakstan. They are facing opposition from the birth Mother, who didn't wants her child to be raised in an orphanage rather than live with Americans. Please pray for them!!